My Two Coins: Thoughts on Nursing, Not Sleeping, and Communion with God

And he sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, “Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on.” - Mark 12:41-44

The woman barely has anything - at least by the world's standards - but in giving what she does have to Jesus, she is honored by him. The example in this passage is the sacrifice of monetary wealth and yes, it should encourage us to give of our finances no matter how "small" the gift seems. However, in this season of life, the story holds an additional meaning for me. 

You see, I'm now the mother of not one but two wonderful, needy, beautiful, energy-sucking little people, ages 2 and half years and 6 weeks. This season is hard and it's unique. Once upon a time I could wake up a couple of hours before my 10 am class to dig deep in the word and commune with God without even a real possibility of distraction. The same afternoon when my classes were done, I could sit in a coffee shop for while and read commentaries, work on a Bible study, and journal my deepest thoughts and longings to the Lord. I got a real job and got married, and while my free-time diminished, there was still ample opportunity in the morning and especially on the weekends to spend quality time in the Word and prayer. 

Then I had a kid... Then two kids... And let me tell you, it's a whole different ballgame. 

I am up a couple of times in the middle of the night, as well as bright and early to feed the newborn. My toddler wakes shortly after the baby is fed, full of energy and ready to play. (He also recently dropped a consistent nap, so we're talking no break most days until bedtime.) Needless to say, getting up before the kiddos to spend time alone with God is just hard if not impossible at this point. A lot of times I'm not even able to use the bathroom by myself much less practice solitude and silence before the Creator. So what do I do? What can I do? I give God what I have. 

I spend one nightly nursing session working through my prayer list. If baby girl wakes up again (sometimes it's only once- praise!) then I spend the other reading a short devotional. I pray for the day during the 7 am feeding, and read through my Bible in a Year plan over breakfast with the family. If both kids happen to take a nap, then I try to work on my current study - just finished up 1 John with my Discipleship group and am now studying Titus with my husband. If I miss out on something, I try to do it before going to sleep that night. 

Now, is this plan ideal? Absolutely not. I'm often nodding off during the nursing sessions, the toddler is talking to me and playing and asking me a hundred questions while I'm reading. The nap time studies are hit or miss and often end up being done with Daniel the Tiger or Thomas the Train blaring in the background. By the time I get in bed at night, my brain is shot and it's honestly just really hard to engage with the Lord the way desire. Even as I type this, the baby is eating (#skillz). Is the Lord pleased though? I think that He is.

Sometimes it's hard for me to say that, but this passage gives me confidence. In this season of mothering young children, I simply don't have a ton of time or energy to give to Bible Study, prayer, meditation, and journaling. I just don't. But what I do have, I can give. It might be easier to say, "Well, I don't have an hour to really dig into this text, so just forget it" or "There's no way I'll actually finish my Bible in a Year plan by December 31, so why start?" But that's not what the Lord calls us to. He wants our first fruits, and sometimes those fruits look like 1 am devotionals or reading Exodus with a toddler hanging on your back. That's ok. Those are my 2 coins right now - and by the grace of God, I'll give Him all I have. 

I don't do it because it earns me anything, but because Jesus has already given all he had on my behalf. In the end, the chunks of time I devote to knowing him more and just enjoying his presence aren't really even a sacrifice. They are life and they are joy.  

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. - Psalm 16:11

An Open Letter to My Friend Who Had an Abortion

Dear friend, 

I don't even know who you are, but I have a decently good feeling you exist. Given that millions of women in the United States have an abortion each year, it's hard to think that out of at least my Facebook "friends" not one would be in that statistic. So whoever you are, this letter is to you, and it comes from the depths of my heart. 

I can't pretend to know what your decision must have been like. I could never say that I understand all of the difficult situations that millions of women have been put in, yours included. I would imagine that such a decision was accompanied by fear, pain, and anxiety that my words could never adequately describe...but maybe not. Your story is your story, and it's sacred. God forbid me to make assumptions that would take that dignity away from you. 

By now you have seen the stream of articles and tweets I've been posting, exposing and condemning abortion and specifically the illegal sale of "fetal tissue" by Planned Parenthood. And while I stand by everything I've said and supported so far - that abortion is evil, horrific, and an abomination to our Creator - there is something more that I want to say, and I hope that I haven't pushed you away to the point that you won't listen. You, my friend, are loved. 

Your baby was loved by God with a love that He possess for all the men and women he has created in His image. You too are loved by this King of the universe who knows every detail of your abortion and every other sin you've ever committed (and ever will commit). I want you to know that Christ's love and forgiveness reach further than your abortion, just as they reach further than all of the sins I too have committed against God and my fellow human beings. "...as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12)

Your baby's death does not have to mean your death. "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 6:23) The reason this is true is because the blood required for the sins of all those who would be united to Jesus was spilled by Jesus on the cross of Calvary. "...without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins." (Hebrews 9:22b) "But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 53:5) Your abortion demands wrath - as does my pride, my envy, my lying, my gossip, and my unbelief. That wrath is just, and it is imminent - unless you find yourself united with Christ, in which case that wrath is finished. (John 19:30)

I weep for your baby, and I weep for you. That little boy or little girl never had a chance to see your face, or be satisfied with milk, or hear a lullaby before bed, or celebrate a birthday. And you have had to carry around the weight of such a tragedy (whether your felt it or not) and attempt to live with this secret sin that if known, could mean the end of so many things: a relationship, a reputation, a redo. Your baby is gone now, and I can no longer speak  to him or her, though I fight for justice in their name. But you, my friend, I can speak to you.

You, my friend, are loved. By God and by me. I hate abortion, but I don't hate you. The Father is calling, and I pray that for you it is an effectual call. I pray that in the bosom of Jesus you would find all of the compassion and grace that I know your heart longs for, because mine does too. "The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Praying fervently for you, 

Amber

A Part to Play in the Collected Works of God

Last night at the Underrowers meeting (Underrowers is the name of the Campus Outreach student leadership team at Berry) our Campus Director, Rob, asked us how we felt about God writing a cosmic story and each of us having a specific part to play in it. A few different answers were given - some felt fearful that they wouldn't know what their part was or be able to fulfill it, others felt excited that they were unique in something so big. Still others felt a since of urgency, If I have a part to play, I need to be making the most of that part now. I didn't answer, at least not out loud, but it doesn't mean I wasn't feeling something. Something very big.

Actually, my initial reaction was I don't know how I feel about that, an answer I'm sure my therapist has had it up to HERE with hearing from me. In a matter of seconds, however, I went from I don't know, to good, I think? to totally and completely at peace, simultaneously set free and yet nestled tightly in the arms of confidence in the goodness of the Author.

If God has written a story of redemption beginning with the Trinity in eternity past and continuing on through created shalom, fallen shalom, and shalom restored, then this makes God an Author. The Author. How sweet of The Lord to give a picture of Himself through something a bibliophile lives and breathes for, namely that of story.

The author of a story (at least more times than not) knows the ending before he or she even begins writing. With that ending mind, every decision is intentional. Every character looks a certain way, speaks a certain way, even has a certain name for a reason, sometimes only realized after the story has been completely read. Other times the reason remains clouded to the readers but ever so purposeful and close to the author's heart. The author is not arbitrary; he has not only an ending in mind but also a zeitgeist he is creating within the book. In addition he is making smaller points on his way to The Point of his work.

Authors are invested in their characters - even the antagonists are there for a reason, and because they stem from the author's own intellect, (dare I say even his own soul?), they are a part of him, written into the story as a reflection of his creativity and desires and wisdom. The author may destroy the evil ones in his story and even the "good" ones, too. He has the power to kill and to make alive, and though he may do so with a heavy heart, longing that the character and all it's unique faculties and dynamics could live on forever, he knows that in light of the end and in light of the point he is trying to make, it can be no other way. It is best, even when the reader is angry about it.

I often read books simply because I am familiar with an author and his or her work. I've enjoyed the things they have written in the past, and thus can confidently choose to pick up their book next, even if the premise feels like I'm taking risk, reading outside of my normal litereary comfort zone. (Of course, that's one of the beautiful things about story - taking a risk, diving into a world full of unknowns and possibilities, but at the same time feeling safe, knowing that as the reader you can only go so far- at the end of the day you are still at home snuggled in bed, getting ready for lights out). In the story of redemption, we are in a unique place: we are both the characters God has intentionally written (He knows every hair on our head), and we are the reader, boldly placing our trust in the Author because we know His work, and we know it is good.

A perfect Author can write no other than a perfect story which means the part I have to play is also perfect. Not perfect in the sense that I have no faults or that my own meta story isn't full of hurt and heartbreak and ugliness, because it certainly is. But perfect in the sense that within the larger story I am bringing glory to my Creator and participating in the renewal of all things. I already know this to be the ending, an ending which of course is not an ending at all but a beginning. The Author is making all things new. 

What Child is This?

Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.
(Revelation 19:11-16 ESV)

Today I finished my 5 month read through of the Bible. It was a 6 month plan, but I stayed ahead so that I could use the month of December to concentrate on Messianic prophecies, incarnation passages, and the gospel narratives during the Christmas season. The above text was the perfect way to end one "cycle" of reading and begin another. When I read the above passage and others like it in the book of Revelation, I tremble in [holy] fear of such a glorious and omnipotent ruler. Who wouldn't after a description like John gives us? And yet, almost immediately, my mind shifts gears (though it's really not so much a shifting of gears as it is a gradual slowing down) to passages like this one:

And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn. (Luke 2:4-7 ESV)

All of that power, that kingship, that righteousness...swaddled up and lying in a manger. He's helpless, just like I was when I was a newborn. Like my son was just a year ago. Can you even fathom such a thing? It's hard for me to do so - near impossible, in fact, if it weren't for my confidence in the Scriptures. If anything, the claim supports my belief in the Bible's teachings. No mere man would make up something like this. 

Next in my mind comes this verse from Isaiah:

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
(Isaiah 53:7 ESV)

The Lion of Judah, a condemned lamb. What is going on here?  

The answer of course, is far simpler and at the same time far more complex than you would think. Because the second person of the trinity, the warrior-king of Revelation 19 is who he is, he alone can and does willingly give himself up to live the life we were meant to live and die the death we were meant to die. As the second Adam, he is the humanity redeemed we must find ourselves in union with. However, it is because he is "the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world" (John 1: 29) that he receives the honor and glory and blessing of every tongue and tribe and nation at the end of all present things. Because he dies, he lives in victory. 

And they sang a new song, saying, “Worthy are you to take the scroll
and to open its seals,
for you were slain, and by your blood you ransomed people for God
from every tribe and language and people and nation,
and you have made them a kingdom and priests to our God,
and they shall reign on the earth.”
(Revelation 5:9-10 ESV)

He is a Lion because he is a lamb. He is the only acceptable lamb because he is the Lion. As Jonathan Edwards puts it, "...there is an admirable conjunction of diverse excellencies in Christ." This is such a beautiful and wonderful understatement. The darling of Heaven just a hungry, sleepy, tiny babe on earth. What child is this? He is the Savior of the world. He should and will be worshiped. 

The Sword and the Stone

One of the most helpful things (perhaps the most helpful thing) I've learned about reading and studying the Bible is the fact that all of scripture – let me say that again – ALL of scripture is about Christ. The Bible is one redemptive story, with its apex at the death and resurrection of Christ, and all of the Old Testament is part of this story. If you aren't reading the Bible that way, then you aren't reading the Bible correctly.

That being said, all of the “little stories” that are part of the “big story” also tell us things about Christ. They contain shadows, types, etc. about the coming Messiah and his reign. One of the most well-known of these narratives is the story of David and Goliath.

When I was first learning how to read the Bible, this was probably the clearest example given to me of how to faithfully look at an Old Testament through the “Jesus lens.” The lens that many people are taught to use is the “moral lens” which means we read this story seeing ourselves as David and our problems as Goliath. With God on our side, we can face any enemy with nothing more than our own metaphorical sling and stone and prevail. We just need God to give us the courage. Now this may be true, but it’s far far from the point. The point is that Christ is David, not us. He is the greater David, the final and better king. He destroys sin, death, and ultimately the devil with but a flick of the wrist. He conquers.

This morning, however, I noticed something even more interesting as I read through the story again. We read,

“So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and struck the Philistine and killed him. There was no sword in the hand of David. Then David ran and stood over the Philistine and took his sword and drew it out of its sheath and killed him and cut off his head with it. When the Philistines saw that their champion was dead, they fled.” – 1 Samuel 17:50-51

I get chills when reading this.

The first coming of Jesus and his work on the cross is anticipated in verse 51. A sling and a stone seem absurd when the freedom of the Israelites from the Philistines is at stake. In the same way, Christ did not come with a sword, rather he humbled himself unto literal death, a seemingly poor way to fight and defeat Israel’s enemies (most of national Israel naïvely believed their enemies were purely that – national). But alas – the giant does die per David’s stone, and the powers of this world are unarmed and put to shame per the cross of Christ (Colossians 2:15).

That’s not the end though. Verse 51 anticipates the second coming of Christ. After David kills Goliath, he stands over the giant and this time does pull out a sword and cuts off his head.  The giant had already been killed, but now he was really dead in the eyes of all who beheld him. The deed was done. Finished. There was no hope whatsoever for this beheaded Philistine.  Fast forward to Revelation, and we see that when Christ comes again, he is also coming with a sword.

“Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war… From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron.” – Revelation 19:11, 15

Satan was decisively defeated when Christ propitiated the wrath of God for his people 2000 years ago. But there is coming a time when Christ will appear with a sword in his hand and behead our ancient foe in absolute and final triumph. His first coming used the humble means of sling and stone, but the next one is coming with an iron rod. Praise Yaweh for this better David.

So, yes, get whatever moral lessons are there in the Old Testament (because they are there!), but never ever let that be the main thing. Read the stories, the genealogies, the songs, etc. in the context of The One Great Story and be amazed at the end for which God created the world. But even then… don’t stop. Dig deep and see Christ in the narrative. He is there, and He is good.

Our Daily Manna

We're in a weird season. Still support-raising but already ministering; moved into our new home but away for a month; mom and dad of a 7-month old but figuring out the parenting thing one day at a time. It's a strange place, and while the comparison breaks down (rather quickly), I couldn't help but draw parallels with "the wilderness" we read about in Deuteronomy 8.

And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. –Deuteronomy 8:2-3 (emphasis mine)

The entire context is not quoted here, but in this discourse, Moses reminds the Israelites of their identity. They were chosen by Yahweh. They had been freed from Egypt and were slowly but surely making their way to the land of Canaan, the inheritance promised to Abraham and his offspring. Nonetheless the outcome looked bleak as the people wandered and hungered and thirst in the wilderness, and it should come as no surprise they were complaining about the predicament God had placed them in. As usual this is a teaching moment that Moses seizes – there was a purpose for their forty years in the wilderness, and there’s a purpose for ours too.

Right now it feels like we’re in the wilderness. No, we aren't physically hungry and while it’s hot in Fort Walton, it’s not Middle East desert hot. But we do feel like we’re wandering – things are unfamiliar, stress can be high, and there are definitely times when we question the Lord’s goodness and doubt His promises to us.

But there’s manna.

It seems like each day the Lord is giving us just what we need to get by – no more and no less. At my best (i.e., Spirit-filled) moments I am grateful and openly praise God for His provision. At my worst (i.e., fleshly) moments I am a modern-day Israelite who whines and complains and wants to go back to Egypt where there was seemingly plenty of meat and drink on the table.

But there’s more manna.

An encouraging note here, a car to borrow there, a volunteer babysitter, a memory verse that couldn't be more appropriate- over and over the Lord dishes it out, and I have my fill. Sometimes it’s sweet and satisfying and I feel content. Other times it only makes me want more, and I feel an abominable sense of gluttony welling up inside, angry that there’s no “feast” I feel entitled to have as the elder brother.

But there’s manna.

A heaven sent, glory-filled, profoundly simple morsel of love that is exactly what I need according to my Father’s plan. Not only does it feed me, but it teaches me. I do not need the blessings of God, I need God Himself. His Word. Communion. The Church. It humbles me and tests me, graciously exposing my sin so that I can repent (yet again) for putting my trust in the gifts instead of the Giver. Lord, have mercy on this prodigal daughter.

There will come a time when we feast again, perhaps in an earthly way and perhaps not. But a banquet is coming, and until then the manna will nourish this hungry soul. Look up, look around, and let it nourish you too.

And the manna ceased the day after they ate of the produce of the land. And there was no longer manna for the people of Israel, but they ate of the fruit of the land of Canaan that year. - Joshua 5:12

When in Rome...

...do as the Romans do. That's the old adage, right? This past weekend we did just that- but it wasn't a weekend full of art, gondola rides, or pasta. Rather it was full of nature, campus tours, and lunches in "D Hall." It was a lovely time.

I had never been to Rome, GA (which my husband and I now affectionately refer to as "Romega"), and since I'd never heard of it before our acceptance on staff, I expected a small town with not much more than Berry College and Shorter University to show for its name. Fortunately, I was very wrong. Not only does Rome have a variety of places to shop and eat, it's downtown is picturesque, and campus- well, there's really no other word than "beautiful" that would be an appropriate description.

We were also able to visit Seven Hills Fellowship (PCA) while we there, which is the church in Rome that Campus Outreach is partnered with and where we'll be members once we've moved. Again, I didn't quite know what to expect, especially coming from a background of two very large, very established congregations. I walked away from the service with a heart completely full, having been fed by His Word, encouraged by the fellowship, and called to worship God with truth-filled hymns of thanksgiving.

What I'm most excited for, however, are not the quaint shops on Broad Street or the miles and miles of gorgeous running trails. It's not the campus staff discounts or the proximity we'll be in to Atlanta. What I'm most looking forward to is engaging with and ministering to the people in Rome.

As a "staff wife," I'm in a unique position. While Weaver will have a very specific purpose, strategy, and schedule while ministering to students, I will have quite a bit of freedom when it comes to using the time, talents, and treasure the Lord has given to me. Yes, I can be involved with college girls, and I plan on doing that a large amount of the time. But I'll also be meeting families in the neighborhood, employees at the grocery store, the mailman - you get the picture. And while I pray that I am already making in impact in those relationships here in Birmingham, living in a smaller city with a husband in full-time ministry will give me a context and platform that I think will provide even more strategic opportunities to evangelize and serve.

So how can you pray for me? Pray that I would look to the affairs of my house hold, embracing my role as wife and mother as a priority (Proverbs 31:27).  Pray that I would make the best use of time, being ready in and out of season to share the good news (Colossians 4:5, 2 Timothy 4:2). Pray that I would proclaim boldly as I ought the glory of God's grace in Jesus Christ (Ephesians 6:19). Pray that bearing the fruit of the Spirit, I would be a faithful ambassador of reconciliation to everyone I meet (Galatians 5:22-23, 2 Corinthians 5:18). Pray that to the Romans I would become a Roman (1 Corinthians 9:20).

When in Rome....glorify God.