My Two Coins: Thoughts on Nursing, Not Sleeping, and Communion with God

And he sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, “Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on.” - Mark 12:41-44

The woman barely has anything - at least by the world's standards - but in giving what she does have to Jesus, she is honored by him. The example in this passage is the sacrifice of monetary wealth and yes, it should encourage us to give of our finances no matter how "small" the gift seems. However, in this season of life, the story holds an additional meaning for me. 

You see, I'm now the mother of not one but two wonderful, needy, beautiful, energy-sucking little people, ages 2 and half years and 6 weeks. This season is hard and it's unique. Once upon a time I could wake up a couple of hours before my 10 am class to dig deep in the word and commune with God without even a real possibility of distraction. The same afternoon when my classes were done, I could sit in a coffee shop for while and read commentaries, work on a Bible study, and journal my deepest thoughts and longings to the Lord. I got a real job and got married, and while my free-time diminished, there was still ample opportunity in the morning and especially on the weekends to spend quality time in the Word and prayer. 

Then I had a kid... Then two kids... And let me tell you, it's a whole different ballgame. 

I am up a couple of times in the middle of the night, as well as bright and early to feed the newborn. My toddler wakes shortly after the baby is fed, full of energy and ready to play. (He also recently dropped a consistent nap, so we're talking no break most days until bedtime.) Needless to say, getting up before the kiddos to spend time alone with God is just hard if not impossible at this point. A lot of times I'm not even able to use the bathroom by myself much less practice solitude and silence before the Creator. So what do I do? What can I do? I give God what I have. 

I spend one nightly nursing session working through my prayer list. If baby girl wakes up again (sometimes it's only once- praise!) then I spend the other reading a short devotional. I pray for the day during the 7 am feeding, and read through my Bible in a Year plan over breakfast with the family. If both kids happen to take a nap, then I try to work on my current study - just finished up 1 John with my Discipleship group and am now studying Titus with my husband. If I miss out on something, I try to do it before going to sleep that night. 

Now, is this plan ideal? Absolutely not. I'm often nodding off during the nursing sessions, the toddler is talking to me and playing and asking me a hundred questions while I'm reading. The nap time studies are hit or miss and often end up being done with Daniel the Tiger or Thomas the Train blaring in the background. By the time I get in bed at night, my brain is shot and it's honestly just really hard to engage with the Lord the way desire. Even as I type this, the baby is eating (#skillz). Is the Lord pleased though? I think that He is.

Sometimes it's hard for me to say that, but this passage gives me confidence. In this season of mothering young children, I simply don't have a ton of time or energy to give to Bible Study, prayer, meditation, and journaling. I just don't. But what I do have, I can give. It might be easier to say, "Well, I don't have an hour to really dig into this text, so just forget it" or "There's no way I'll actually finish my Bible in a Year plan by December 31, so why start?" But that's not what the Lord calls us to. He wants our first fruits, and sometimes those fruits look like 1 am devotionals or reading Exodus with a toddler hanging on your back. That's ok. Those are my 2 coins right now - and by the grace of God, I'll give Him all I have. 

I don't do it because it earns me anything, but because Jesus has already given all he had on my behalf. In the end, the chunks of time I devote to knowing him more and just enjoying his presence aren't really even a sacrifice. They are life and they are joy.  

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. - Psalm 16:11

An Open Letter to My Friend Who Had an Abortion

Dear friend, 

I don't even know who you are, but I have a decently good feeling you exist. Given that millions of women in the United States have an abortion each year, it's hard to think that out of at least my Facebook "friends" not one would be in that statistic. So whoever you are, this letter is to you, and it comes from the depths of my heart. 

I can't pretend to know what your decision must have been like. I could never say that I understand all of the difficult situations that millions of women have been put in, yours included. I would imagine that such a decision was accompanied by fear, pain, and anxiety that my words could never adequately describe...but maybe not. Your story is your story, and it's sacred. God forbid me to make assumptions that would take that dignity away from you. 

By now you have seen the stream of articles and tweets I've been posting, exposing and condemning abortion and specifically the illegal sale of "fetal tissue" by Planned Parenthood. And while I stand by everything I've said and supported so far - that abortion is evil, horrific, and an abomination to our Creator - there is something more that I want to say, and I hope that I haven't pushed you away to the point that you won't listen. You, my friend, are loved. 

Your baby was loved by God with a love that He possess for all the men and women he has created in His image. You too are loved by this King of the universe who knows every detail of your abortion and every other sin you've ever committed (and ever will commit). I want you to know that Christ's love and forgiveness reach further than your abortion, just as they reach further than all of the sins I too have committed against God and my fellow human beings. "...as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12)

Your baby's death does not have to mean your death. "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 6:23) The reason this is true is because the blood required for the sins of all those who would be united to Jesus was spilled by Jesus on the cross of Calvary. "...without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins." (Hebrews 9:22b) "But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 53:5) Your abortion demands wrath - as does my pride, my envy, my lying, my gossip, and my unbelief. That wrath is just, and it is imminent - unless you find yourself united with Christ, in which case that wrath is finished. (John 19:30)

I weep for your baby, and I weep for you. That little boy or little girl never had a chance to see your face, or be satisfied with milk, or hear a lullaby before bed, or celebrate a birthday. And you have had to carry around the weight of such a tragedy (whether your felt it or not) and attempt to live with this secret sin that if known, could mean the end of so many things: a relationship, a reputation, a redo. Your baby is gone now, and I can no longer speak  to him or her, though I fight for justice in their name. But you, my friend, I can speak to you.

You, my friend, are loved. By God and by me. I hate abortion, but I don't hate you. The Father is calling, and I pray that for you it is an effectual call. I pray that in the bosom of Jesus you would find all of the compassion and grace that I know your heart longs for, because mine does too. "The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Praying fervently for you, 

Amber

A Part to Play in the Collected Works of God

Last night at the Underrowers meeting (Underrowers is the name of the Campus Outreach student leadership team at Berry) our Campus Director, Rob, asked us how we felt about God writing a cosmic story and each of us having a specific part to play in it. A few different answers were given - some felt fearful that they wouldn't know what their part was or be able to fulfill it, others felt excited that they were unique in something so big. Still others felt a since of urgency, If I have a part to play, I need to be making the most of that part now. I didn't answer, at least not out loud, but it doesn't mean I wasn't feeling something. Something very big.

Actually, my initial reaction was I don't know how I feel about that, an answer I'm sure my therapist has had it up to HERE with hearing from me. In a matter of seconds, however, I went from I don't know, to good, I think? to totally and completely at peace, simultaneously set free and yet nestled tightly in the arms of confidence in the goodness of the Author.

If God has written a story of redemption beginning with the Trinity in eternity past and continuing on through created shalom, fallen shalom, and shalom restored, then this makes God an Author. The Author. How sweet of The Lord to give a picture of Himself through something a bibliophile lives and breathes for, namely that of story.

The author of a story (at least more times than not) knows the ending before he or she even begins writing. With that ending mind, every decision is intentional. Every character looks a certain way, speaks a certain way, even has a certain name for a reason, sometimes only realized after the story has been completely read. Other times the reason remains clouded to the readers but ever so purposeful and close to the author's heart. The author is not arbitrary; he has not only an ending in mind but also a zeitgeist he is creating within the book. In addition he is making smaller points on his way to The Point of his work.

Authors are invested in their characters - even the antagonists are there for a reason, and because they stem from the author's own intellect, (dare I say even his own soul?), they are a part of him, written into the story as a reflection of his creativity and desires and wisdom. The author may destroy the evil ones in his story and even the "good" ones, too. He has the power to kill and to make alive, and though he may do so with a heavy heart, longing that the character and all it's unique faculties and dynamics could live on forever, he knows that in light of the end and in light of the point he is trying to make, it can be no other way. It is best, even when the reader is angry about it.

I often read books simply because I am familiar with an author and his or her work. I've enjoyed the things they have written in the past, and thus can confidently choose to pick up their book next, even if the premise feels like I'm taking risk, reading outside of my normal litereary comfort zone. (Of course, that's one of the beautiful things about story - taking a risk, diving into a world full of unknowns and possibilities, but at the same time feeling safe, knowing that as the reader you can only go so far- at the end of the day you are still at home snuggled in bed, getting ready for lights out). In the story of redemption, we are in a unique place: we are both the characters God has intentionally written (He knows every hair on our head), and we are the reader, boldly placing our trust in the Author because we know His work, and we know it is good.

A perfect Author can write no other than a perfect story which means the part I have to play is also perfect. Not perfect in the sense that I have no faults or that my own meta story isn't full of hurt and heartbreak and ugliness, because it certainly is. But perfect in the sense that within the larger story I am bringing glory to my Creator and participating in the renewal of all things. I already know this to be the ending, an ending which of course is not an ending at all but a beginning. The Author is making all things new. 

What Child is This?

Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.
(Revelation 19:11-16 ESV)

Today I finished my 5 month read through of the Bible. It was a 6 month plan, but I stayed ahead so that I could use the month of December to concentrate on Messianic prophecies, incarnation passages, and the gospel narratives during the Christmas season. The above text was the perfect way to end one "cycle" of reading and begin another. When I read the above passage and others like it in the book of Revelation, I tremble in [holy] fear of such a glorious and omnipotent ruler. Who wouldn't after a description like John gives us? And yet, almost immediately, my mind shifts gears (though it's really not so much a shifting of gears as it is a gradual slowing down) to passages like this one:

And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn. (Luke 2:4-7 ESV)

All of that power, that kingship, that righteousness...swaddled up and lying in a manger. He's helpless, just like I was when I was a newborn. Like my son was just a year ago. Can you even fathom such a thing? It's hard for me to do so - near impossible, in fact, if it weren't for my confidence in the Scriptures. If anything, the claim supports my belief in the Bible's teachings. No mere man would make up something like this. 

Next in my mind comes this verse from Isaiah:

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
(Isaiah 53:7 ESV)

The Lion of Judah, a condemned lamb. What is going on here?  

The answer of course, is far simpler and at the same time far more complex than you would think. Because the second person of the trinity, the warrior-king of Revelation 19 is who he is, he alone can and does willingly give himself up to live the life we were meant to live and die the death we were meant to die. As the second Adam, he is the humanity redeemed we must find ourselves in union with. However, it is because he is "the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world" (John 1: 29) that he receives the honor and glory and blessing of every tongue and tribe and nation at the end of all present things. Because he dies, he lives in victory. 

And they sang a new song, saying, “Worthy are you to take the scroll
and to open its seals,
for you were slain, and by your blood you ransomed people for God
from every tribe and language and people and nation,
and you have made them a kingdom and priests to our God,
and they shall reign on the earth.”
(Revelation 5:9-10 ESV)

He is a Lion because he is a lamb. He is the only acceptable lamb because he is the Lion. As Jonathan Edwards puts it, "...there is an admirable conjunction of diverse excellencies in Christ." This is such a beautiful and wonderful understatement. The darling of Heaven just a hungry, sleepy, tiny babe on earth. What child is this? He is the Savior of the world. He should and will be worshiped. 

The Sword and the Stone

One of the most helpful things (perhaps the most helpful thing) I've learned about reading and studying the Bible is the fact that all of scripture – let me say that again – ALL of scripture is about Christ. The Bible is one redemptive story, with its apex at the death and resurrection of Christ, and all of the Old Testament is part of this story. If you aren't reading the Bible that way, then you aren't reading the Bible correctly.

That being said, all of the “little stories” that are part of the “big story” also tell us things about Christ. They contain shadows, types, etc. about the coming Messiah and his reign. One of the most well-known of these narratives is the story of David and Goliath.

When I was first learning how to read the Bible, this was probably the clearest example given to me of how to faithfully look at an Old Testament through the “Jesus lens.” The lens that many people are taught to use is the “moral lens” which means we read this story seeing ourselves as David and our problems as Goliath. With God on our side, we can face any enemy with nothing more than our own metaphorical sling and stone and prevail. We just need God to give us the courage. Now this may be true, but it’s far far from the point. The point is that Christ is David, not us. He is the greater David, the final and better king. He destroys sin, death, and ultimately the devil with but a flick of the wrist. He conquers.

This morning, however, I noticed something even more interesting as I read through the story again. We read,

“So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and struck the Philistine and killed him. There was no sword in the hand of David. Then David ran and stood over the Philistine and took his sword and drew it out of its sheath and killed him and cut off his head with it. When the Philistines saw that their champion was dead, they fled.” – 1 Samuel 17:50-51

I get chills when reading this.

The first coming of Jesus and his work on the cross is anticipated in verse 51. A sling and a stone seem absurd when the freedom of the Israelites from the Philistines is at stake. In the same way, Christ did not come with a sword, rather he humbled himself unto literal death, a seemingly poor way to fight and defeat Israel’s enemies (most of national Israel naïvely believed their enemies were purely that – national). But alas – the giant does die per David’s stone, and the powers of this world are unarmed and put to shame per the cross of Christ (Colossians 2:15).

That’s not the end though. Verse 51 anticipates the second coming of Christ. After David kills Goliath, he stands over the giant and this time does pull out a sword and cuts off his head.  The giant had already been killed, but now he was really dead in the eyes of all who beheld him. The deed was done. Finished. There was no hope whatsoever for this beheaded Philistine.  Fast forward to Revelation, and we see that when Christ comes again, he is also coming with a sword.

“Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war… From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron.” – Revelation 19:11, 15

Satan was decisively defeated when Christ propitiated the wrath of God for his people 2000 years ago. But there is coming a time when Christ will appear with a sword in his hand and behead our ancient foe in absolute and final triumph. His first coming used the humble means of sling and stone, but the next one is coming with an iron rod. Praise Yaweh for this better David.

So, yes, get whatever moral lessons are there in the Old Testament (because they are there!), but never ever let that be the main thing. Read the stories, the genealogies, the songs, etc. in the context of The One Great Story and be amazed at the end for which God created the world. But even then… don’t stop. Dig deep and see Christ in the narrative. He is there, and He is good.

Our Daily Manna

We're in a weird season. Still support-raising but already ministering; moved into our new home but away for a month; mom and dad of a 7-month old but figuring out the parenting thing one day at a time. It's a strange place, and while the comparison breaks down (rather quickly), I couldn't help but draw parallels with "the wilderness" we read about in Deuteronomy 8.

And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. –Deuteronomy 8:2-3 (emphasis mine)

The entire context is not quoted here, but in this discourse, Moses reminds the Israelites of their identity. They were chosen by Yahweh. They had been freed from Egypt and were slowly but surely making their way to the land of Canaan, the inheritance promised to Abraham and his offspring. Nonetheless the outcome looked bleak as the people wandered and hungered and thirst in the wilderness, and it should come as no surprise they were complaining about the predicament God had placed them in. As usual this is a teaching moment that Moses seizes – there was a purpose for their forty years in the wilderness, and there’s a purpose for ours too.

Right now it feels like we’re in the wilderness. No, we aren't physically hungry and while it’s hot in Fort Walton, it’s not Middle East desert hot. But we do feel like we’re wandering – things are unfamiliar, stress can be high, and there are definitely times when we question the Lord’s goodness and doubt His promises to us.

But there’s manna.

It seems like each day the Lord is giving us just what we need to get by – no more and no less. At my best (i.e., Spirit-filled) moments I am grateful and openly praise God for His provision. At my worst (i.e., fleshly) moments I am a modern-day Israelite who whines and complains and wants to go back to Egypt where there was seemingly plenty of meat and drink on the table.

But there’s more manna.

An encouraging note here, a car to borrow there, a volunteer babysitter, a memory verse that couldn't be more appropriate- over and over the Lord dishes it out, and I have my fill. Sometimes it’s sweet and satisfying and I feel content. Other times it only makes me want more, and I feel an abominable sense of gluttony welling up inside, angry that there’s no “feast” I feel entitled to have as the elder brother.

But there’s manna.

A heaven sent, glory-filled, profoundly simple morsel of love that is exactly what I need according to my Father’s plan. Not only does it feed me, but it teaches me. I do not need the blessings of God, I need God Himself. His Word. Communion. The Church. It humbles me and tests me, graciously exposing my sin so that I can repent (yet again) for putting my trust in the gifts instead of the Giver. Lord, have mercy on this prodigal daughter.

There will come a time when we feast again, perhaps in an earthly way and perhaps not. But a banquet is coming, and until then the manna will nourish this hungry soul. Look up, look around, and let it nourish you too.

And the manna ceased the day after they ate of the produce of the land. And there was no longer manna for the people of Israel, but they ate of the fruit of the land of Canaan that year. - Joshua 5:12

When in Rome...

...do as the Romans do. That's the old adage, right? This past weekend we did just that- but it wasn't a weekend full of art, gondola rides, or pasta. Rather it was full of nature, campus tours, and lunches in "D Hall." It was a lovely time.

I had never been to Rome, GA (which my husband and I now affectionately refer to as "Romega"), and since I'd never heard of it before our acceptance on staff, I expected a small town with not much more than Berry College and Shorter University to show for its name. Fortunately, I was very wrong. Not only does Rome have a variety of places to shop and eat, it's downtown is picturesque, and campus- well, there's really no other word than "beautiful" that would be an appropriate description.

We were also able to visit Seven Hills Fellowship (PCA) while we there, which is the church in Rome that Campus Outreach is partnered with and where we'll be members once we've moved. Again, I didn't quite know what to expect, especially coming from a background of two very large, very established congregations. I walked away from the service with a heart completely full, having been fed by His Word, encouraged by the fellowship, and called to worship God with truth-filled hymns of thanksgiving.

What I'm most excited for, however, are not the quaint shops on Broad Street or the miles and miles of gorgeous running trails. It's not the campus staff discounts or the proximity we'll be in to Atlanta. What I'm most looking forward to is engaging with and ministering to the people in Rome.

As a "staff wife," I'm in a unique position. While Weaver will have a very specific purpose, strategy, and schedule while ministering to students, I will have quite a bit of freedom when it comes to using the time, talents, and treasure the Lord has given to me. Yes, I can be involved with college girls, and I plan on doing that a large amount of the time. But I'll also be meeting families in the neighborhood, employees at the grocery store, the mailman - you get the picture. And while I pray that I am already making in impact in those relationships here in Birmingham, living in a smaller city with a husband in full-time ministry will give me a context and platform that I think will provide even more strategic opportunities to evangelize and serve.

So how can you pray for me? Pray that I would look to the affairs of my house hold, embracing my role as wife and mother as a priority (Proverbs 31:27).  Pray that I would make the best use of time, being ready in and out of season to share the good news (Colossians 4:5, 2 Timothy 4:2). Pray that I would proclaim boldly as I ought the glory of God's grace in Jesus Christ (Ephesians 6:19). Pray that bearing the fruit of the Spirit, I would be a faithful ambassador of reconciliation to everyone I meet (Galatians 5:22-23, 2 Corinthians 5:18). Pray that to the Romans I would become a Roman (1 Corinthians 9:20).

When in Rome....glorify God.

Heart of My Own Heart

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.” – Luke 10:27

We quote this a lot — and rightfully so since it is indeed “the greatest commandment.” It is of utmost importance that we love God with our entire beings, giving no part of ourselves to the love of the flesh and its desires (1 John 2:15-17). However, something about this verse has always been a little difficult for me to understand. It’s so seemingly simple, and yet it is so massive in its weight and implications, that I want to make sure I know all I can about what it means. A few days ago, something about this verse was made clearer to me.

We –or at least I– often think of ways I can love the Lord with my soul (be faithful in prayer), my strength (serve Him continually), and my mind (be drenched in the Word of God and His doctrines of grace). But I fail at seeing how these acts parallel in loving Him with all my heart. What does loving Him with all my heart look like in comparison with the other three? How do I live that out?

Well, thanks to the English language (sarcasm noted), we’re unable see something very important. It turns out that the word translated “with” before “all your heart” is a different preposition than the “with” before your soul, your strength, and your mind. This is easily seen in the Greek, where the verse is translated: “You shall love the Lord your God [ex] all your heart and [en] all your soul and [en] all your strength and[en] all your mind.” Ex carries the connotation that our hearts are the source of love for God, while en tells us that our soul, strength, and mind are to be instruments of that love… the love which springs from the heart. “Umm.. ok”, you might say. Well what does that mean? How does that answer the question of how to love your Lord your God with all your heart?

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” – Ezekiel 36:26

We love God with all our heart by having a new heart given to us. I can’t love the Lord with all my heart–I can’t set all of my affections upon Him, finding within Him all that I adore — unless I see Him as beautiful and glorious, which is only possible by being given a new heart to do so. It is entirely God’s doing that I love Him with all my heart. Of course, it’s not just my heart that is new.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

Because of this new heart, my entire being is new, and so I also necessarily love Him now with my soul, my strength, and my mind. My entire being is now a set of vessels from which the love of God, poured into my heart by the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5) , now flows. I now desire to pray, to serve, and to feed upon His Word.

Praise God for this glorious truth. I need to be reminded daily, hourly, moment by moment, that I am dependent upon Him for all. 

#newmomproblems and Why I Love Them

4 months! Man, does time fly. Silas is growing, smiling, laughing, cooing, reaching, and responding more and more each day. Just look at this stud!

Seriously, Mom? More pictures?

For real though, he's freaking adorable.

He's super fun. Of course, this fun is not without early early mornings, tons of laundry, messy floors as I attempt to nurse my child and make breakfast at the same time, and other #newmomproblems. (You may have seen me use this hash tag on Twitter and/or Facebook. If not, you're sure to see it in the near future. ;))

I have had quite a few new mom problems since this crazy journey called motherhood began 4 months ago. There was my emotional breakdown in the doctor's office during Silas's two-month shots, the 15 minutes I spent walking around the outside of Briarwood every Wednesday for a month trying to find a stroller friendly entrance near the nursery (am I crazy or should there be way more ramps outside that place?), the massive load of laundry I dyed a not-so-subtle pink, and most recently the "newborn size" minion hat I purchased that makes Silas look like he's being eaten alive by Minion Dave. These are just a sampling.

Yeah... *face palm*

Contrary to what one might think, the fun has not come despite my new mom problems but in many cases, because of them. I was reflecting today on some of the things these problems (and other struggles that come along with being a parent in general) have taught me and decided a concrete, albeit condensed, list was in order.

I. #newmomproblems have taught me to stop being so dang anal about everything. You may chuckle, but it's a decently well known fact (my husband can verify if you have doubts) that I'm a Type A, IN(/S)TJ, nit picky control freak person. Quite frankly, it's not the most motherhood-friendly personality. Even so, over the past few months I've learned to embrace the unexpected, the spontaneous, the messy. I don't know when Silas will wake up each morning or what mood he'll be in that day. I can't control how many outfits he spits up on in a 24 hour period or when he will decide to pee all over me.... and the changing table... and himself during a routine diaper change. The funny thing is that I'm not just dealing with it, I'm enjoying it. I'm learning to loosen up, to give over the small details as well as the big ones to the Lord. He controls each and every minute and has a purpose for each and every "incident." Enjoying the ride is more than just fun - it's freedom.

II. #newmomproblems have given me some of the best memories to date. Seriously, they have! I can't wait to tell Silas about the time his entire wardrobe (well, a large portion of it at least) could have been donated to a little girl...or how many times he's thrown up on both his father and me, ruining what could have been a perfectly email-worthy video to the grandparents. I love sharing these moments with other new moms and hearing there own stories, too. In retrospect, they really are funny, and I know each of us will look back on them fondly, no matter what our feelings were at the time. Your baby is only a baby once, and you have to make the most of those moments before they're just memories. But even then - perhaps especially then - those stories make us smile.

III. #newmomproblems have shown me the gospel in new and refreshing ways. I've mentioned before how much actually having a son intensifies the meaning of the gospel for me. The idea of God giving His only son for my sin is far more tangible when I think about giving my own son up for...well, anything. But motherhood has taught me even more than that. I get a daily exercise in living in light of the gospel in what many would call "the mundane." I am learning not just to trust God when making life-altering decisions or facing some sort of crisis but also when I stub my toe on yet another plastic, noise-making toy or burn the toast because I'm redoing a swaddle for the umpteenth time. Gospel is not just a trump word that we use to make things seem holier than they are. It's truth, and it changes us from the inside out- not just on the dangerous mission field of the unreached Bugis people but also in the colorful new nursery of our not-yet-converted babies who need Jesus just as much as anyone.

At the end of the day, it's these mini-adventures that make my calling as a mom so exciting. I think C.S. Lewis sums it up well in this quote on life's interruptions:

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s ‘own’, or ‘real’ life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life – the life God is sending one day by day: what one calls one’s ‘real life’ is a phantom of one’s own imagination.”

Well put, sir. I couldn't agree more. 

Looking Forward to Not Looking Forward

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven... (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

We are constantly trying to prepare for the next season of life. When we're in high school, we're trying to get into a good college; when we're in college we're working to improve our resume so we can begin a successful career. Once we graduate we look forward to marriage, then a baby. After that we feel the need to constantly study up on the next stage of family life in an often vain attempt to feel prepared once it's here. At the same time, we grow nostalgic of newlywed life or college or even childhood.

There's nothing wrong with that, at least not inherently. I do find myself struggling to balance the extremes though- learning from the past, being faithful in the present, preparing for the future. It can be exhausting, and it makes me look forward all the more to the perfect and ultimate season we'll have in the new heaves and new earth. We'll no longer yearn for the "good ole' days" or feel the pressure of or unfulfilled longing for the next thing. We'll be right where we're supposed to be - where we were created to be - for eternity.

And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. (Revelation 21:5-7)

As my husband puts it, "Everyday will be the best day, every moment the best moment." It will always be the last day of the school, the wedding day, the birthday. We will be perfectly content and at the same time, we'll never have our fill. Desire and desire satisfied, simultaneously, in the most intense way possible, forever.

 I can't wait.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. (Psalm 16:11)

The How Much More of Prayer

My husband and I talk...a lot. Specifically I mean we talk to each other a lot. We've been friends for 6 years and married 1 and a half those. We have a past, common interests, shared experiences. All of this and more means it's very easy for us to find things to talk about (so much so that I had to switch my devotional time from breakfast - that's now deemed "study time" since we essentially just discuss the things we're reading and learning the whole time - to in between Silas' early morning feeding and then.) Weaver is my best friend, so we talk.

I also talk to him a lot because he is the leader, provider, and protector of our (small) family. If I have questions, concerns, needs, wants, whatever, I go to him, and we talk it through.

To borrow some biblical verbiage- "how much more" should I talk to the God of the universe? I share in Jesus' body and blood and sufferings (Luke 22:19-20, 1 Peter 4:13). Jesus is in fact, a better friend than my husband. He is the head of the church (Colossians 1:18). God is the Father who has made us heirs (Romans 8:17), the warrior and rock that is higher than I (Jeremiah 20:11, Psalm 61:2). How much more should I find reason upon reason to talk to Him?

I recently read The Autobiography of George Muller. (I cannot recommend it highly enough.) In it Muller writes, "The primary business I must attend to every day is to fellowship with the Lord. The first concern is not how much I might serve the Lord, but how my inner man might be nourished." When Weaver has to work, I'm always anxious for him to come home so that I can spill the stories and questions and jokes I've been saving for him all day. In the mornings I look forward to waking him up and letting him know breakfast is ready, because I have come to expect good, meaningful conversation over our eggs and cups of coffee. How much more should I look forward to my morning meetings with Jesus, the founder and perfecter of my faith? How much more should I yearn for quality time with Yaweh, in the name of the Christ, in the power of the Spirit?

It should be infinitely more -"without ceasing" (1 Thessalonians 5:17).

So I talk. I ask. I sing. I thank The Lord that my sanctified ramblings are somehow bringing glory to his name. I kneel to eat and drink, tasting and seeing that He is good (Psalm 34:8 ). And in those moments I don't want to talk to anyone else; I gawk at the words and time I've used on lesser things. He listens, I listen. It's a sweet time. There are really just no words to describe it, and for once the lack of words is fine by me. It's what I've been wanting the whole time.

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore. -Psalm 131:1-3

My Love and Hate for Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28. The go-to verse in the midst of suffering. The class favorite of scripture memory.  The crowning jewel of Calvinist theology. The verse that when offered up as an anitdote to my problems makes me want to scream "Stop it! Stop it! Don't you dare go there right now!"

Wait, what??! I know, hard to believe, right? Me, the girl who spent 9 months of her college career as the poster child of cage stage, John Piper's #1 fan girl saying "No, I don't want to hear it. Don't even start that Romans 8:28 stuff with me."

Of course, I've never actually rebuked anyone for quoting that verse to me (at least not out loud). But in my heart, I've felt bitter and hard against what I would still consider one of my favorite verses in all of Holy Scripture. You see, sometimes I'm so upset and so bitter and so anxious about my circumstances that I do really stupid things like sinfully shrug off the word of God as, "cliche," "over quoted," or "just not what need to hear right now."

The question becomes of course, what do I need to hear right now? What does the mother of two who is diagnosed with incurable cancer need to hear right now? What does the missionary family fighting to bring their newly adopted daughter into the country with them need to hear right now?

They (and I) all need to hear Romans 8:28.

The trick is to realize what the "good" in  Romans 8:28 is actually talking about. So many times the reason I'm frustrated by this verse is because (to my fallen, finite eyes) nothing about the situation seems to be working for anything remotely "good." How is the death of two young boys' mother possibly for some greater good? How is the bankruptcy of a single parent doing all he or she can to provide even close to good? Though I know the Word of God is true, in those moments I struggle to go the extra step and believe it's true.

Enter context. The "good" of Romans 8:28 cannot be divorced from the rest of the passage. And so we read,

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.-Romans 8:28-29 (emphasis mine)

The "for" at the beginning of verse 29 is very important. It means that verse 29 is the grounds on which verse 28 is true. So the reason we can say all things work together for good is because those who love God are being conformed to the image of his son, Jesus. This is good. The Good, if you will. All things are making the children of God more and more like their brother- Jesus. Once you start viewing all things with this good in mind, it starts to make a little more sense. We can see how the trials of this life are indeed perfecting us (James  1:2-4) and how our inner nature is being renewed day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16). We're being made more like Jesus.

This is why I need the Spirit to not only grant me new birth and give me a new heart (John 3:5, Ezekiel 11:19), but I also need him to empower me day by day to love God and His gospel and His kingdom more than my life (Psalm 63:3). Being made into the likeness of Christ is not desirable to the unbeliever. But for those who love God, it's the most desirable thing there is. It is eternal life.

And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.-John 17:3

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.-2 Corinthians 3:18

I'm not saying that reciting Romans 8:28 (or any scripture for that matter) will all of a sudden bring great clarity, peace, and warm fuzzies inside no matter the situation. But His promises are true, and they are sweet. God is making us more like His Son and in doing so, bringing me (and you) one step closer to where we all long to be - home.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." -Revelation 21:4-5

Things I've Learned My 1st Month of Motherhood

Why, hello! Welcome to the humble beginnings of our family blog. Ideally all of the pages and menu navigation items would be written, proof read, and ready for the world to see... but they aren't. This little project is a work in progress. Despite that fact, I really wanted to write this post, so here you have it. Perhaps one day I'll have some motivation to write about my water breaking at my baby shower, our 2 week stint in the NICU, and a whole host of other recap items, but not tonight. Tonight, this will have to do.

I can't believe it's already been a month since Silas was born. He's only been home with us for 2 weeks, so in my mind he's still a 2-week old (and his weight only adds to my internal confusion...he's currently at 5 lbs 12oz). Yet, here he is in all his one month glory. It's been a whirlwind of 4 weeks, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I mean... look at this stud!

To commemorate this one month milestone, I decided to make a brief list of things I've learned during my first month of motherhood. There's more, but these things stand out the most in my mind. In no particular order...

1. I will never be entirely clean for more than a few minutes.

2. My baby will never be entirely clean for more than a few minutes.

3. I don't have enough swaddle blankets or burp cloths, and I probably never will.

4. During the day, I really should sleep when baby sleeps. I haven't learned to do this yet.

5. Dr. Harvey Karp's "5 S's" are magical. Truly, magical.

6. The first few weeks, my job is to keep baby happy and healthy mostly by feeding him. When nursing, this entails far more than one might think. It can be very tiring, frustrating, and even boring, but it's a season, and I'm called to be faithful in it. (And it really does get better.)

7. I am now "that mom" who wants to show off every picture of every sweet moment her child has to the rest of the world, even though I swore up and down I would never do that. Believe it or not, I have restrained myself, but the struggle is real and somewhat unexplainable. The mom gene really does just kick on.

8. Taking meals to families with newborns really is clutch. I had no idea how big of a help this would be, but we have been incredibly blessed the past month to have so many meals provided for us. I'm stoked to do this for other families in the future.

9. The love between a mother and her child is completely different than any other relationship. That's not to say I love Silas more than my husband, I'm just saying the love is indescribably different.

10. Speaking of love, you need to love your pediatrician. We love ours and that is huge.

11. Cloth diapering is fun (for real)!

12. Vowing not to use a pacifier was a very unrealistic goal (at least for me). Sometimes babies just want to suck when they aren't hungry, and it's really not a big deal.

13. Asking people to use hand sanitizer before they touch/hold your baby is not rude. It's best for baby and totally worth the peace of mind.

14. My husband is not only an amazing husband but an amazing dad. There's nothing like watching him and Silas interact. My heart is always full.

15. The gospel comes alive in completely unique way when you have a child. One of my recent(ish) Facebook statuses was this: "The more I look at, hold close, and pray over Silas, the more I love him. And the more I love him, the more overcome I am with the fact that God gave up his only Son, making him who knew no sin to be sin that in him we might become the righteousness of God. Parent or not, let that sink in."

There you have it - a few of the things I've learned (and embraced) since our sweet little man came into the world. All the hard stuff is worth it. So completely and utterly worth it.